


To Find Your Lily

by Remustrash



Series: the moon and the stars [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bisexual Male Character, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Bisexual Sirius Black, Bisexuality, Falling In Love, First Time, Friends With Benefits, Getting Together, M/M, they think they're straight lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:33:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22247929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Remustrash/pseuds/Remustrash
Summary: Remus worries he won't find a Lily Evans for himself. Sirius has one of his crazy ideas.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: the moon and the stars [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1085292
Comments: 14
Kudos: 221





	1. Chapter 1

“I can’t believe Prongs is  _ married _ ” says Remus, closing the door behind them. 

Sirius stumbles to the fridge and grabs a bottle of water.

“And to Evans,” he adds after drinking. He offers the bottle to Remus, who shakes his head. “Mate, drink some, you’ll thank me tomorrow”

“You’re the one who got me drunk in the first place!” says Remus, accepting the bottle. “Come on, Moony, just a little bit of this, and a little bit of that, and…”

“It was a fucking wedding, Moons, you can’t not get drunk” Sirius replies, exasperated. He makes his way to the sofa -or tries to, before he trips over himself and nearly falls face down on the floor. Remus laughs and Sirius throws him an angry look before sitting down. 

Remus comes and sits next to him. Everything is silent for a few minutes, and Sirius would swear he can hear Remus’ mind working itself up over something. 

“What?” he asks. 

“Nothing”

Sirius stares at him.

“Fine,” Remus sighs, but he stays silent for a moment. He closes his eyes. Sirius is about to shake him when he finally speaks. “Do you ever feel… do you ever worry that you’ll end up alone?”

Sirius frowns, then realizes his friend can’t see him. “What do you mean?”

“You know, alone. Like you’ll never find someone”

“You mean like a girlfriend?” asks Sirius, a little confused. “You’ve had a couple of girlfriends, Rem. You’ll find another one”

“I don’t mean…” Remus sighs again. He opens his eyes, but looks anywhere but at Sirius. “I mean a Lily”

“I’m not following you, mate”

Now Remus stares directly into Sirius’ eyes, and he looks so sober at that moment that Sirius begins to doubt whether he was ever drunk or just faking it. “I mean someone to share your life with, Sirius. Someone you would die for”

Sirius is drunk and his mouth definitely runs faster than his brain, because what he says next is: “I’d die for you”

Remus smiles. “I know, you dickhead. I’d die for you too.” He clears his throat. “I mean all that, plus the sex, and the romance, and all that shit”

“You’ve never cared for those things, though” Sirius points out. He feels a knot in his stomach that wasn’t there before and wonders why hearing his friend talk about this makes him feel so weird. 

Now Remus looks sad. “I care, I just… I don’t think someone will ever… ugh, forget it.” He stands up too suddenly and opens his arms to steady himself. “Shit. Well, I’m off to bed. G’night”

“G’night” Sirius replies, but he stays where he is. 

He stares at the wall for a while, hearing the clock over the fridge tick as the minutes pass by. It’s odd, what he’s feeling. He doesn’t quite understand it, though he’s a bit drunk, so that probably doesn’t help.

What’s worrying him now is that he doesn’t worry. Not about what Remus was worrying about. He’s never really given it much thought, and the idea of marriage seems kind of ridiculous to him. He still can’t get it in his head that James and Lily officially married today. As in, they are legally tied to each other. They are having a kid together, for Merlin’s sake. And yet all seems so… far away. He can’t see himself getting married, or having a kid, or waking up to the same woman every day for the rest of his life. 

Women are fine, all right. Sirius loves women. He just doesn’t see himself loving  _ a _ woman. Not in the way James loves Lily. Besides, what’s the point? He loves spending time with his friends, even Lily, he loves them intensely and unconditionally. And for the sex, he can get that in other places, no need for all the complicated shit. Why should he combine the two, when he can get them separately? 

He shakes his head, trying to shake off his thoughts that way. Too lazy to walk all the way to his bedroom, he lays down on the sofa instead, sleep coming right away. 

  
  


“Pads”

“Mmmfh”

“Hey, pads. Wake up” someone whispers. 

“No,” he groans. “Leave me alone”

“Come on, it’s noon already,” says the voice. Sirius blinks and Remus’ face slowly comes into focus above him. “I made you some eggs”

Sirius sniffs and the wonderful smell of eggs and toast fills his nostrils. He sits up suddenly, and immediately regrets it. “Ugh, my head”

Remus points behind him. “There’s some hangover potion too, you can drink it after you eat. You know it’s not good on an empty stomach”

Sirius eyes him suspiciously. “Did you make it?”

Remus looks hurt. “I’ll have you know no one has died from drinking one of my hangover potions, Black.” Sirius continues to stare. “But no, Lily made it the last time we went out. There’s enough left for both of us”

“You’re a saint, Moonbean, you know that?” He pinches Remus’ cheek, who rolls his eyes exasperatedly.

“Yeah, whatever. Come eat now”

Sirius walks to the table and sits down, attacking his eggs at once. “So abft lst ntgh”

Remus sits down opposite him and begins eating like he has all the time in the world. “What about last night?”

Sirius gulps down. “What you said, about… finding someone”

“Oh, I was drunk, I didn’t…”

“No,” Sirius interrupts. “It’s okay, I get it. I thought about it, quite a lot actually. And I have a…”

“Uh, no,” Remus stops him. “I don’t want to know”

“You haven’t even heard my idea!” complains Sirius. 

“I’ve known you long enough to know I’m not gonna like it” explains Remus. 

“Yeah, well, this idea… this is… this solves  _ everything _ ” Sirius begins. He clears his throat. “I think…”

“I’m not going ‘girl-hunting’ with you again, Sirius” 

“That’s not…”

“And I’m not letting you find me a girlfriend again”

“Can you let me…?”

“And I’m  _ definitely  _ not…”

“I think we should have sex” states Sirius.

Remus gapes at him. “I… What?”

Sirius scratches his head. “Yeah, I think… I think that. That’s a thing I think, yeah, you know, that”

“What!?” yells Remus, to which Sirius jumps in his seat. He’s smiling now, but it’s not one of those sweet, caring Moony smiles. It’s a crazy, you’ve-really-done-it-now-Sirius smile. He stands up and begins pacing around. “I can’t believe… What on earth…?”

“Just think about it! We’re best mates. We love each other. We live with each other and haven’t yet get tired of each other. It’s everything you want, minus the sex.” Sirius laughs nervously. “It’s simple, really. Pure logic. Just, you know, until we find someone. So you don’t feel so alone”

Remus hits the table with his fist and leans over Sirius, looking directly into his friend’s eyes. “Are you fucking with me?” 

Sirius smiles. “Not yet”

Remus gasps. “I… ha, what?” He sits down again, grabbing his head. “Sirius, I’m not…”

“I know, me neither,” he quickly adds. “But I know some guys who are and, you know, it’s sex. If it makes them feel good why… why would it be different for us?”

“Because we’re not gay, Sirius!” Remus shouts. 

“Fine, fine,” he says, trying to calm Remus down. “Forget it, it was just an idea”

Remus frowns at him for a moment, then relaxes and continues picking at his eggs. 

  
  
  


Great, thinks Remus. The fucking dick put the idea in his head and now it’s all he can think about. He turns around in his bed and stares fixedly at the ceiling. It’s crazy, the shit Sirius can sometimes come up with. Absolutely crazy. Like this idea. Remus feels sick just thinking about it. Not because they're both boys, he’s not that kind of asshole. But the idea of what Sirius said puts a weigh in his stomach and makes his skin tingle in a way he can’t quite recognize. 

Sirius is handsome. 

That’s a thought he just had. Sirius is a handsome guy. He just is, objectively. Lots of girls would kill for Sirius to… propose to them what he proposed to Remus. And he must be good at sex, if the sounds he sometimes hears from the other side of the wall are anything to go by. 

“What is happening?” he whispers to himself, grabbing his head. 

He’s considering it. He’s actually considering having sex with his best friend. With his  _ male _ best friend. Is he that desperate? He’s not had sex in a while. And for a while he means not since he lost his virginity to his first girlfriend three years ago, who dumped him before he could get better at it. 

“Shit,” he murmurs, and gets up from the bed. “Shit, shit, shit.” He walks to his door, opens it, then walks down the corridor to Sirius’ bedroom door. He brings up his fist to knock… and then lowers it. 

As silently as possible, he tiptoes back to his room and closes the door, letting himself fall face down on the mattress. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the rating. This is not SO explicit, but I couldn't stop myself lol. Enjoy!

Two months have passed since that conversation at breakfast, and Sirius and Remus are drunk again. It’s all Peter’s fault, really. The three of them were at the bar when the conversation drifted towards James, who they hadn’t seen since the wedding. He was away for a while for his and Lily’s honeymoon, yes, but he had come back weeks ago and still hadn’t tried to contact them. 

“It’s never going to be the same,” Peter had said with a mournful tone. “He’s married now”

“Bullshit,” had stated Sirius, “he’s still Prongs. He’s just… busy right now”

“Yeah, busy ignoring us” Peter had pointed out. Sirius had shot him a furious glance, then turned around to order some shots. 

“Keep’em coming,” he told the bartender. 

And now here they are, stumbling their way up the stairs to their apartment. Sirius fumbles with the lock until he loses his patience and mutters a quick “Alohomora.” Remus follows him inside, taking his coat and letting it fall on the floor -something he only does when he’s too drunk to care. 

“Peter’s wrong, you know,” says Remus, looking at Sirius, who is sitting on the couch with his head between his knees. He looked so sad tonight at the bar that Remus felt an urgent need to apparate at the Potters’ and punch James in the face. “It’s not going to be like this forever. They’re all over each other now but it’s gonna get tiring. Besides, you have to understand, Prongs has been dreaming of this for how long?”

Sirius says nothing. 

Remus walks to the kitchen to make them some tea (not many people know it, but Remus’ tea makes wonders to prevent hangovers). “We should be happy for him. I am, and I’m sure you are too.” He doesn’t even know what he’s saying, but Sirius’ silences always make him uncomfortable. It’s not natural for Sirius to shut up. He turns his back to him, pouring water in the kettle. 

“So… that bartender you were talking to,” tries Remus. “She was hot, uh? Did you get her number? Haven’t heard you bring someone in a while. Not that…” He clears his throat. “Not that I pay that much attention, ha. But you know, thin walls and all that. I was just wondering when you…”

Suddenly, strong hands grab Remus’ waist and spin him around. He finds himself pushed against the counter with Sirius’ face inches from his own. He can feel the other man's breath on his cheeks. 

“Wha-…” he stutters. “What are you doing?”

Sirius stares into his eyes intensely. Remus begins to squirm under his gaze. He laughs nervously. “Sirius, stop it”

He doesn’t. Instead, he takes Remus’ face in his hands and pushes their mouths together. Remus makes a surprised sound and stays completely still for a second, eyes wide open. Sirius steps back then. He seems to be holding back a smile, and Remus finds himself doing the same for some reason. Before he has the chance to say something, though, Sirius turns around and heads towards the corridor. Remus follows him like in a trance and watches as his friend enters his bedroom, leaving the door half open.

“What the fuck?” whispers Remus to himself. Because really, what the fuck was he suppossed to do now? Go to bed and pretend nothing happened? Go and gently reject Sirius?

Did he want to reject him? 

Sirius is his best friend. If he let this happen… it could ruin everything. What if he was bad at it? He didn’t know how gay sex worked! He barely knew how straight sex worked. And yet he finds himself in front of Sirius’ bedroom door, hand raised as it had been two months ago. This time, however, he doesn’t back down. He opens the door to find Sirius standing awkwardly at the other end of the room, next to the bed. 

This time it is Sirius speaking. “So…”

“Shut up,” Remus stops him. If they’re going to do this, they’re going to do it his way. He closes the door and takes a deep breath. “We need some rules.” Sirius looks surprised, but nods immediately. Remus walks closer. “No one can find out, not even James”

Sirius nods again. Remus brings his hands to Sirius’ shirt and begins unbuttoning it. “No talking about it tomorrow”

“Okay”

“You will tell me what you want,” explains Remus, helping Sirius take his shirt off, “I will tell you what I want, and we’ll go from there. Okay?”

“Mmh” says Sirius when Remus begins to trace his fingers down his chest. 

“So tell me…” asks Remus, hooking a finger in the waistband of Sirius’ trousers. He brings his face closer to his friend’s, their mouths inches from touching. “What do you want, Sirius?”

Sirius doesn’t reply. Instead, he grabs Remus by the front of his shirt and kisses him. This time, though, Remus doesn’t stay still. He closes his eyes and opens his mouth to the other boy, welcoming the intrusion of Sirius’ tongue with a shameful moan. 

Sirius kisses violently. He kisses like it’s the last time he’s ever going to kiss someone. Remus tries to counterbalance the passion, sucking gently at Sirius’ lower lip, caressing his naked back, pushing them slowly towards the bed. 

“Too many clothes,” mutters Sirius, struggling with Remus’ belt. Remus laughs and helps him get rid of it. He takes his shoes and socks off, then his trousers, then his shirt. He helps Sirius out of his clothes as well, leaving them both in just their underwear. 

They stare at each other, and even though they have seen each other more naked than this before, they both know this time it is different. 

“You…” begins Sirius. 

“Please, don’t,” begs Remus. He doesn’t know what Sirius was about to say, but he’s not sure he wants to hear it. Not yet. 

He approaches his friend again and kisses him, slower this time. He lets his mouth travel down his jaw as he feels Sirius’ hands roaming across the now exposed skin of his chest. He leaves soft kisses down the man’s neck, bites down on his shoulder until sounds start coming out of Sirius’ mouth. 

“Moony” Sirius whispers. “Can I touch you?”

Remus thinks about it for a second. “Not yet,” he says, surprising himself. Sirius whines, which makes a thrill travel up Remus’ spine. “I want to touch you first”

He changes strategy and pushes Sirius away from the bed, guiding them towards the wall next to it. He presses his body against his friend’s, pushing their hips together. He has to do it a couple of times before he gets the angle right and Sirius gasps. 

“Oh, that’s…” he mutters. “I like that”

So Remus does it again. And again, and again, until Sirius can’t seem to close his mouth and Remus can’t seem to stop staring. He forces Sirius’ legs open and pushes his thigh up against his crotch.

“Fuck,” Sirius says. And Remus agrees. Fuck indeed. “Moony, moony, I don’t think I’m going to…”

Remus shuts him up with a kiss. He lowers his hand and grabs Sirius’ erection through his boxers. He barely moves his hand before Sirius moans particularly strongly and Remus feels the fabric under his hands grow wet. 

He waits while the man recovers, resting his head against the wall and breathing heavily. “That was…,” Sirius begins. “That was awesome”

Remus smiles proudly. “Can’t believe I made you come in like five minutes”

Sirius gapes at him. “That’s not fair! I haven’t had sex in a while!”

“Yeah, whatever you say, Pads” replies Remus, still smiling smugly. 

“Stop it!” 

“It’s a pity I can’t tell James, really. I wish I could hear what he…”

“I bet I can make you come faster,” challenges Sirius. 

Remus raises his eyebrows. “You think so, uh?”

“I know so”

He bites his lip hard. “I’d like to see you try”

Sirius’ smile grows bigger. He takes Remus by the waist and changes their positions in one movement, so that it is now Sirius trapping him against the wall. “Do you trust me?” the boy asks. 

Remus doesn’t doubt for a second. He nods. 

Sirius gets down on his knees. 

“Wha…?” Remus stutters. Sirius takes the waistband of Remus’ boxers and takes them off, leaving his cock exposed and mere inches from his face. “Sirius… no, you don’t have to…”

“Hey,” Sirius stops him, looking up. “Trust me”

Remus swallows, then nods again. “I think I’m going to lose this bet”

Sirius laughs, then gets right down to it. Remus was, like always, completely right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me want to write more :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry sorry sorry! I've had this written down for ages but hadn't had the time (or the will) to get my hands on a computer. Sorry that this is so short too... As always, thanks for reading and I appreciate a lot if you tell me of any mistakes. Hope you have enjoyed this little story!

Once they start, they can’t stop. They do it four times a week, sometimes five. And it is the perfect arrangement, thinks Remus. After a month, they have already learned many things about what the other likes, what they don’t, where the lines are and when they can dare cross them. 

Not that there are many lines left to cross. Well, mostly just one, but Remus doesn’t think he’s ready to think about that.

“Morning!” says Sirius, yawning as he sits across the table from him. He gestures for Remus to pass him the marmalade jar. “Sleep well?”

“Just fine,” he answers, as if they hadn’t been up together till 3 a.m. They don’t sleep together in the same bed, though, even though they had done it countless times as kids. It just seems to be an unspoken rule between them, like the fact that they keep any kind of physical contact for the bedroom. For  _ Sirius’ _ bedroom, to be specific. 

“Eat your toast,” orders Sirius. “We’ll be late to Prongs’”

“Yes, mum.” He rolls his eyes, but grabs the toast and gives it a big bite.

It turned out that James’ disappearance had nothing to do with him having recently married and everything to do with the raging war. He and Lily had been forced to move houses again after a particularly nasty threat and it had taken them a while to be secure enough to contact their friends again. 

Because of the protective spells surrounding the house, Sirius and Remus have to apparate some blocks away. It is winter already, and they have to walk close together to share the heat. 

They barely make it up the entry to the house before the door is opened and James is throwing himself at them, hugging them and kissing them like it’s been a decade since they last saw each other.

“Fuck, I’ve missed you, guys!” he says, his face beaming with happiness. 

“Happy birthday, Prongs,” says Sirius, giving them a last squish before letting go. “Now let us in. I’m freezing my balls out here”

“And we do not want that to happen,” mutter Remus. Sirius smirks at him. 

James steps aside and they enter the Potters’ new home. Remus wishes James a happy birthday and hands him the present he and Sirius bought together. 

“Hey, boys,” comes a voice from the stairs. Remus’ smile grows bigger at the sight of Lily, and he rushes to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Then comes Sirius out of nowhere and picks Lily up in his arms to give her a spin like she weighs nothing. 

“Merlin, you’re big!” he exclaims. He steps back to consider Lily’s growing belly. “Can I?” he asks. Lily nods.

Remus observes as Sirius gently rests his hands on their friend’s belly. He smiles at the tender scene. 

“Are you kicking your mum a lot, Harry?” Sirius asks playfully. 

“Only when we’re trying to sleep”

“Or have sex,” adds James. 

“Yeah, he’s kind of a little shit,” Lily laughs. “Just like his father”

After James thanks them for the present (a matching pair of Gryffindor pyjamas for him and Harry), he takes them on a tour of the new house and invites them to some muggle beer, which he had become addicted to because of Lily. The redhead now watches them with envy while sipping at her bottle of non-alcoholic butterbeer.

Half an hour later, more people start to arrive: Marlene and Dorcas, hand in hand; the newly married Longbottoms; a couple of Lily’s friends from Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff; and some people from the Order. Music starts playing and the table is filled with food and drinks. 

“Pads!” 

Sirius turns to see James and a girl walking towards them. James has his hand on the girl’s back, and he gives her a little push towards Sirius. “I wanted to introduce you to Julie. Julie, this is my brother, Sirius”

“Nice to meet you.” Sirius smiles awkwardly. Remus introduces himself as well and listens to her and Sirius’ conversation for a bit before getting bored and wandering off.

He leans on the wall next to the table and observes the girl curiously now that he’s far enough for her not to notice. She has short black hair, dark skin and a nice, curvy body. She’s really pretty, but Remus doesn’t remember seeing her at school. Maybe she’s older, or younger, or went to another school. He senses there’s something odd about her though, something that makes him want to snatch Sirius away and far from her.

“Have you tried the chocolate cake?” asks Lily next to him. He tells her that he hasn’t. “Oh, it’s so good. I made it specially for you, by the way”

“Thanks, Lils.” He takes a piece and moans in delight as soon as he tastes it. Lily laughs and blushes a little. 

“So, you met Julie then?” Remus nods, and Lily clears her throat. “She’s a nice girl. James thinks so. He thinks she might be good for him… for Sirius, I mean”

Remus chokes on the cake. Lily pats his back while he coughs. Of course. Of course that was James’ intention when he introduced the girl to Sirius specifically. He feels his face heat up, and he guesses it’s not a result of choking. 

Lily is staring at him with that knowing look that he both loves and hates her for. “You haven’t said anything yet, then?”

He frowns. “What do you mean?”

“To Sirius…” She shifts uncomfortably. “About… you know”

“I don’t know, actually”

“Come on, Rems”

“It’s not like that.” He scratches his head. “We have… an arrangement, sort of”

“Oh”

“Yeah”

Someone calls Lily’s name and she gives Remus a last awkward smile before going away. He takes another piece of cake and observes Sirius and Julie unashamedly. She now has a hand on his lower arm, clearly flirting. Remus feels his stomach twist at the thought. 

It’s not fair, he knows, to be jealous. Because that’s what he is: jealous. He recognises the feeling immediately. He felt it before in relation to Sirius, only it was a different kind of jealousy, one that showed up when he witnessed James’ and Sirius’ easy banter, or the way James looked at their friend as if Padfoot meant the whole world to him. And yet, that jealousy was mitigated by the fact that Sirius behaved differently with him. He was always more touchy and intimate-like with Remus, constantly seeking his attention in a way that —Remus now realises— couples do. 

This girl will never have that, he thinks smugly. Which is not fair, he knows. But maybe, if he acts now, he won’t have the other thing he has either. 

He wanders towards them. 

“Hey,” he calls their attention. “Sorry to interrupt, but I need to talk to Sirius. In private”

Julie gives him an uncomfortable smile and looks expectantly at Sirius, who shrugs and follows Remus towards the stairs. They go up and approach the first door to the right, which turns out to be James and Lily’s bedroom. They enter the room and Remus closes the door behind them. 

“So… what do you wanna tell me?” asks Sirius. 

Remus doesn’t reply. Instead, he just walks closer to the other man, who laughs nervously. “What are you doing?”

Sirius backs away, but the back of his knees hit the bed. Remus advances even more and puts a hand on the man’s chest, pushing him slightly so that he sits down. Then he sits on Sirius’ legs, straddling his hips. “I’m gonna kiss you now,” he states. 

Sirius just nods, and opens his mouth slightly in a way Remus would swear is illegal. He kisses him, and their tongues find each other instinctively, diving into an already familiar dance. Remus buries his hands on Sirius’ hair and tugs a little, like he’s learned the man likes. Sirius’ hands slide down Remus’ back and sneak under his shirt. Remus then takes courage and whispers what he’s been unconsciously thinking for days:

“I want you”

Sirius tenses under him. He backs away to look at Remus in the eye. “What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean”

For a moment, he can glimpse the struggle happening inside Sirius in his eyes, but it’s over before Remus can apologise or take back what he said. 

“You have me,” says Sirius, and it’s the certainty in his voice that takes Remus by surprise. 

“Really?” he asks, though afraid Sirius will change his answer. 

“If you want to”

“I do. I really, really do”

Sirius smiles. “Okay then”

Remus smiles back. 

  
  


The speed with which they say their goodbyes and wish James a happy end to his birthday would amaze anyone. They practically run the few blocks they need to apparate in front of their apartment door. As Sirius struggles to unlock the door, Remus takes him by the hips and begins kissing his neck. 

“I can’t quite function if you do that, mate”

Remus bites him. 

“Dick,” Sirius laughs, but finally manages to open the door. Only to be pushed against it by Remus once they are inside. They kiss, and kiss, and kiss, until both are a moaning mess, pushing their hips forwards and desperate for some friction. 

“Fuck, Moony,” Sirius mumbles. “I need you. Now”

Remus somehow guides them in the direction of the bedrooms, and once they’re there he takes Sirius’ hand and pulls him towards his own room. Sirius lies on the bed and Remus climbs on top of him, thinking that the way in which Sirius opens his legs to let him position in between them is completely and utterly sinful. 

When Sirius puts his hand on Remus’ belt, he stops him. “Wait. We need to…” He tries to calm down his breathing. “How are we going to do this?”

He sees Sirius swallow. 

“Are you sure you want to…” he begins. 

“Yes! Yes, it’s just…” He struggles to continue. 

“Hey, it’s me, Pads. You can tell me”

Sirius lets out some air. “I want you to… Fuck, no, I can’t, Moony.” Remus starts stroking his hair, trying to calm him down. “I just can’t say it”

He seems about to cry, which worries Remus, so he lets his body fall softly on top of Sirius’ and hugs him tightly. “Hey, don’t worry. We don’t have to do anything”

“No! It’s not that… I want you to. It’s just…” Sirius chuckles. “It’s just that I want you to so bad, Rems. I’ve been thinking about it since the first time we… and it’s like, I shouldn’t, right? I shouldn’t want it so badly”

“It’s okay”

“And you’re my friend,” Sirius continues. “I shouldn’t want  _ you _ in that way, but… but I do”

Remus feels relief wash over him. 

“Why are you smiling?”

Remus chuckles. “Because I want you to, Pads! God, it’s just so obvious, isn’t it? I think I've always liked you in this way, I just didn’t want to face it because I never thought… but you do!”

Sirius smiles as well. “I do”

“It’s perfect!”

Sirius laughs. “It is”

Remus gives him a big, noisy kiss on the lips. 

“Merlin, we’re such poofs. Don’t know how we didn’t realize it before,” Sirius jokes. 

“You just needed me to go down on you”

“It was a transforming experience indeed,” he says seriously. “Having Remus Lupin suck you off just changes you as a man”

Remus laughs. “You’re not bad yourself”

“I know, but it took practice!” 

“It did, huh? Been sucking a lot of dicks, have you?”

“Not at all! But you know that cucumber that disappeared last week?”

“Shut up.” They both burst out laughing. 

Once they’ve calmed down, Sirius clears his throat. “I think I can tell you now, what I want”

Remus nods and Sirius gets closer to whisper in his ear. By the time he’s finished speaking, Remus is fully hard again and desperate to carry on those ideas. 

“You know,” he says, smirking. “If you let me do that, tomorrow I’ll let you go and tell James everything”

Sirius’ face lights up. “You mean I can torture him with the details?”

“Every last one,” he promises. 

Later in life, when Remus finds himself having to conjure up a happy moment, even after living the most terrible ones, he thinks of this: Sirius under him on the bed, their bodies pressed against each other and their teeth clashing as they kiss because neither of them can stop smiling. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't answered all the comments, I will soon. Know that they make me very very happy!


End file.
